Healthy egoism is an essential aspect of personal well-being. It involves prioritizing one’s own needs, desires, and boundaries without disregarding the needs of others. Embracing healthy egoism, however, can sometimes trigger deep-seated fears, particularly the fear of abandonment.
Healthy egoism, also known as healthy selfishness, is the practice of taking care of oneself in a balanced way. It’s about recognizing that your needs and desires are just as important as those of others. This doesn't mean being self-centered or neglecting the well-being of those around you; rather, it means acknowledging your right to prioritize your own health, happiness, and growth. In a world where self-sacrifice is often glorified, especially in relationships, practicing healthy egoism can be challenging. Society frequently praises those who give endlessly to others, sometimes at the expense of their own well-being. Yet, without a strong sense of self and the ability to say “no,” we can become depleted, resentful, and ultimately less capable of supporting others in a meaningful way.
As soon as you begin to assert your own needs and boundaries, particularly if you have previously been more accommodating, it can trigger the fear of abandonment. This fear is rooted in the belief that if you don’t always put others first, they might leave or withdraw their love and support. The fear of abandonment is often tied to past experiences, such as childhood neglect, traumatic relationships, or even societal conditioning that equates self-sacrifice with love and worthiness. When you start prioritizing yourself, it may feel like you’re risking the stability of your relationships, leading to anxiety and the compulsion to revert to old, self-neglecting behaviors.
When you begin to practice healthy egoism, the dynamics in your relationships may shift. Friends, family, or partners who are used to you always being available or putting them first might feel threatened or confused. This change can lead to conflicts or distance, exacerbating the fear that you’ll be abandoned if you don’t comply with their expectations. Additionally, asserting your needs can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to putting others first. This discomfort can manifest as guilt or self-doubt, making you question whether you’re being “too selfish” or if your relationships will suffer as a result. This internal conflict can heighten the fear of losing connections with those you care about. And let me tell you one thing, you might lose people through that process, at least I did, but they are not your people anyway. These kind of relationships were always one sided, but only now was I able to see that. Let them go for your own sake.
For those with a history of abandonment or neglect, healthy egoism can also trigger unresolved trauma. The act of putting yourself first can remind you of times when you felt unsupported or alone, causing old wounds to resurface. This can make it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries without feeling overwhelmed by fear.
To overcome the fear of abandonment, open communication is essential. Talking to your loved ones about your need to prioritize self-care and how it will ultimately benefit your relationship can reassure them that your intention is not to push them away but to maintain a healthier balance that allows you to be your best self. And it´s so so important to have these conversations, because only then you give them the chance to understand why your behavior is changing instead of silently withdrawing.
I think one of the biggest issue is, we tend to forget, that it´s okay to take care of ourselves and that our needs are valid. If we do not do that there will be eventually nothing left to give.
For me learning healthy egoism meant to unlearn behaviors that are especially connected to my own fear of abandonment that was deeply rooted in the past. I did follow my fear while giving up my needs and sometimes, all of the sudden, I went MIA after it just got too much and I felt empty and sad. Withdrawing in that way eventually led to the manifestation of my fear. I lost people that I love and this was then my "fault" as I was not able to communicate. This felt even heavier on my heart as it was neither healthy nor sustainable.
Healthy egoism is a vital part of self-care and personal growth, but it can also stir up the fear of abandonment. It´s hard to get out of old patterns, especially when they are deeply rooted in the past. I don´t always have a solid solution or a trick that works, but I know, every time I did put myself first and my fears did not become reality, I´ve learned to let go a bit more. I am so much better and I swear it gets easier, but if the fear eventually will go away for good, I don´t know.
xx baj.